Suppressing Emotions: 3 Things to Ensure Our Kids Don't Follow in our Footsteps

There was a time when I was suppressing my emotions so much that I would barely sleep at night. It took me years to figure out how to deal with my feelings in a healthy way. Admittedly, I still don't address some of my emotions in real-time. This can manifest into insomnia, anger, stress, anxiety or frustration. There's a time for healthy suppression of emotions, but it should be only temporary. Living with this feeling of anxiousness doesn't serve me well. I am getting better at addressing things head-on, however uncomfortable it may be at the time. I will use the analogy of knowing you need to fire someone. You know you need to deal with it. You dread the idea but realize you can't tolerate things any longer. You decide upon the date it needs to happen and commit to it. The nerves leading up to the firing can be unbearable. You let the person know with dignity and compassion. When the task is done, so much stress has been lifted off your shoulders. You wonder why you feared this all week. Dealing with suppressed emotions is very similar. The phrase from How Are You Feeling is "the healing is in the feeling." I do three things to ensure they don't follow in my footsteps. 

We all worry about it as parents – our kids following in our footsteps, especially when it comes to the things in life that didn't necessarily serve us well. We don't want them to repeat our mistakes or struggle with the same issues we have dealt with. When it comes to emotional health, one of the biggest things we need to worry about is suppressing (consciously) or repressing (unconsciously) our emotions. Here are three ways to help ensure our kids don't hide their feelings as we did growing up. 

1) Talk openly about your feelings and encourage your kids to do the same. If they see you healthily dealing with your feelings, they will be more likely to do the same. This has taken the better part of my adult life to learn, and I still haven't mastered it yet!

2) Help them develop healthy coping mechanisms early on. This could include anything from journaling or talking therapy to exercise or creative outlets. 

3) Don't ignore the issue if you see your child struggling with suppressed emotions. Seek professional help if needed – it's better than allowing the problem to continue festering."

Get Out of Your Own Way

I can remember a time when I was suppressing my emotions. I had just closed down my business of 20 years, we had just sold our house in Toronto and bought a place in Aurora, and my marriage was falling apart. I felt a range of emotions - sadness, anger, frustration, and fear. But instead of dealing with these emotions, I tried to push them down. Instead of facing these emotions, I elected to train for a Half Ironman. I escaped from my emotions with a rigorous training regiment. I told myself that I didn't need anyone's help. And so, for a while, I managed to keep my emotions in check. But eventually, the dam broke. My race ended in September, and all these emotions were still unprocessed. At that moment, I realized that suppressing my emotions had only worsened by pushing them aside for three months while I trained. By hiding my feelings, I had denied myself the chance to process what was happening in my life. It didn't make my problems go away; it just prolonged them. As a result, I had only succeeded in making myself feel even more isolated and alone. Suppressing emotions is not the answer. Instead, we need to find healthy ways to deal with our feelings to move on with our lives.

Showing Your Own Vulnerability Will Show Our Kids

It's perfectly normal for children to feel a wide range of emotions. They may be happy one minute and sad the next. And that's okay. It's part of being human. As parents, we can help our children understand their feelings by teaching them how adults deal with them.  

It was about a week after my daughter Maddie had passed away. We were having a celebration of life to honour her memory. I was preparing my speech. By this point, my boys had seen me crying non-stop for the past week. I explained the importance of letting your emotions out and that it was perfectly normal and healthy. I asked Zac if he would listen to my tribute to his sister. I told him, "If I can get through saying this in front of you, I can get through anything." It took me about a dozen attempts to recite the speech before him, but I eventually got it out without a complete emotional breakdown. We had videotaped both Zac and Sawyer, explaining their most fond memories of them with Maddie. It was the most devastating time of our lives, but we got through it. The boys and I both did grief counselling for months afterward. We made a rule that no matter the circumstances, they could always talk about what was on their mind. It was a tragic event for them to go through as a 13-year-old and eight years old, but it helped them understand the importance of letting it all out.

When to Push and When to Back Off

One of the most challenging tasks as a parent is teaching your children how to deal with their emotions, especially teenage boys. You want them to be able to express themselves in healthy ways, but sometimes it feels like they're sealed off from you. They may not want to talk about what's bothering them. One of the best things you can do is to model healthy coping mechanisms yourself. If you're open about your own emotions and how you deal with them, your children will be more likely to follow your example. You can also encourage them to talk to you or another trusted adult about their feelings. If they're struggling with grief, stress, anxiety or fear, they downplay things to minimize what's bothering them. It's learning when to push and when to back off. Encouraging them that they are in a safe place, and promising only to listen, not judge and show them they are safe to talk in your presence and only showing unconditional love. This builds trust and will make it easier for them to approach you the next time they feel overwhelmed or under the gun about something. Whatever you do, ensure you're there for them and that they know you love them unconditionally.

Conclusion

Suppressing emotions is something we often do without realizing it. We might do it to protect ourselves or others, but the cost can be high. As parents, it's essential for us to be aware of this and to work against suppressing our own emotions consciously. Not only will this help us maintain our mental health, but it will also model healthy behaviour for our children. They are watching everything we do and say; if they see that we're able to express our feelings freely - even when difficult - they're more likely to follow suit. The next time you hear yourself say, "I'm fine," stop and ask yourself why you feel the need to conceal your true feelings. Chances are, there's something there that needs exploring and healing. And that's a process worth undertaking, not just for ourselves but for our children.