Awareness of Triggers and our Backstory
How are backstory affects relationship communication!
It’s common to hear a wedding speaker share their keys to a healthy relationship: “Good communication.” This is solid advice, but it can be difficult or even impossible if we don’t first understand our backstory.
The How Are You Feeling? (HAYF) program helps adolescents reflect on their backstory, offering them valuable insights into why they may react the way they do in certain situations. This understanding can help foster healthier relationships. When adolescents gain clarity about their emotional triggers, needs, and vulnerabilities, they become better equipped to communicate effectively and empathize with others. This, in turn, can strengthen relationships with peers, parents, and teachers, promoting emotional intelligence and connection.
The Importance of being aware of our Backstory: An Example
Let’s consider an example from Janice’s psychotherapy practice to illustrate why it’s crucial to become aware of—and accept—our personal backstory. Without this awareness, unresolved emotions can continue to negatively impact our relationships.
Hillary was responsible for preparing dinner from the age of 12 until she went to university, as her mother worked long hours. Following daily instructions over the phone and managing household responsibilities became a routine she resented. Her friends didn’t share this responsibility, and Hillary felt frustrated by the added burden. When she finally left for university, she was relieved to escape this responsibility.
However, ten years later, Hillary found herself in a similar situation. Now a stay-at-home mother with two children, she was expected to prepare meals for her family—but unlike other mothers, Hillary found cooking to be a chore. She resented the task and often prepared simple meals with little enthusiasm. At times, her frustration would spill over, and she would lash out at her family when they didn’t appreciate her efforts.
Hillary’s story isn’t just about mealtimes—it reflects how her past relationship with her mother continued to impact her present relationships. Her resentment wasn’t truly directed at her family; it stemmed from unresolved feelings toward her mother, who had placed these responsibilities on her. Hillary had never processed these feelings about being responsible for dinner as a child, and as a result, those unresolved emotions continued to affect her interactions with her own family.
Her partner also had unresolved issues in his own backstory, which led him to shut down during arguments. He had learned as a child that this was the safest way to handle big, confusing family conflicts.
Epilogue: The Impact of Unprocessed Backstories
Eventually, the couple divorced. Their lack of understanding about how their past experiences were affecting their present relationship led to constant arguments, often blaming each other without recognizing the deeper causes. For Hillary, the unresolved feelings with her mother were never addressed, leading her to project those emotions onto her partner and children. Perhaps Hillary’s mother had experienced similar resentment toward her own mother, continuing the cycle of unresolved emotional baggage.
This is an important reminder that every adolescent is on their way to becoming an adult, and throughout this journey, both small and large experiences—both joyful and painful—must be processed. By understanding and acknowledging our backstory, we can avoid carrying unresolved emotions into adulthood, ensuring that we communicate with clarity and love in our relationships with partners, children, and others.